Is dysfunctional the new functional? Let’s understand these concepts
Disturbances- refers to the interruption of a peaceful condition/environment and
Dysfunctional -refers to a system that is not operating effectively.
The following roles are a few roles I have seen family members take on during the process to support a loved one, namely:
Typical disturbances that interrupt our systems:
- Addiction-the parent suffering from an addiction is usually unavailable, isolated, and focused on their own needs. The child turns to their Eating disorder (ED) for comfort.
- Perfectionism-this is a personality trait that is very characteristic of a person suffering from an ED. Perfectionistic parents are controlling, and do not allow for change outside of what they think it should be. Often the expectations are high, and children struggle to keep with the pressure to perform. They associate performance with acceptance.
- Abuse/neglect-reinforces the loss of control, and in many cases, the ED is something they can manage, making them feel safe. Relationship with own body becomes unhealthy
- Unpredictability or fear-Not being a consistent parent will close off all communication channels with your child. Your response to the ED behavior should be sensitive and non-confrontational.
- Lack of boundaries-often with mothers, we see co-deponent relationships as well as enmeshed relationships. This will deprive your child of being independent. Boundaries are there to keep us safe, the lack of limits creates an environment that feels unsafe and unpredictable.
- Poor communication- Avoidance, not being able to show or speak about painful feelings. Reflect on whether your behavior is modeling something positive or negative to your children.
- Divorce and separation- Divorce can be a traumatic life experience that can disrupt normality, and children are often caught in the middle. It is essential that parents co-parent well and that they stick to the same way of parenting.
- Moving schools, houses, work, even country- adjusting can be hard. When children struggle to adjust, they will find ways of coping that’s familiar or take control of something that feels manageable, like food.
- Lack of knowledge-not educated on ED. Thinking it is an attention-seeking behavior.
Families can not take full responsibility for the development of their child’s eating disorder. Families do not cause eating disorders as there are many other factors to consider; however, families can contribute to keeping the eating disorder behavior alive. Therefore, I hope that this will help families identify their pitfalls and that they will remember that change within the family system will bring about change in your loved one’s behavior.
Understanding your own behavior as a parent will allow you to reflect with insight on your child’s behavior. Eating disorders are often used as a powerful communication method. Parents need to get help so that they can be equipped with knowledge on how to pick up on the underlying message that is masked by the behavior.
Elrika Hugo
Social Worker, LinkedCare Consortium
Bachelors in Social Work cum laude (NWU)